After my Board meeting I was waiting for our coaching group to begin, I had maybe 11 min. to kill, and surfed www.sfgate.com, and found an article about a blog that fascinated me. I read a couple excerpts and decided I needed to devote some time to it.
So after our coaching group (there's a better name for it but I haven't nailed it yet) finished I found the blog and started reading, breaking for phone calls and colleague conversations only. I'm hooked.
Disclaimer: I'm headed towards celebrating our 31st wedding anniversary this summer. I've never been divorced. I had a nasty, ugly breakup with a live-in b.f. in which I experienced many of the blogger's feelings. There were no children or pets involved, however. And I'm a mother now.
So while I've not been in this woman's shoes exactly, I get her.
Chris recently ordered, received and framed 3 pictures from our San Diego 1/2 marathon. The first one, we're in the stadium, I'm looking down, he's looking at me reaching for my hand. The second picture we're holding hands crossing the finish line. And the 3rd we're gasping for breath, elated to have finished, showing off our medals. (I'll post pictures soon, I promise.)
So yeah, I'm critical of myself in photos, and wasn't thrilled with how I looked in these.
After reading the blog today I had an epiphany. I've been playing small as a wife and life partner. I've failed to acknowledge my husband as much as he deserves. I've failed to acknowledge myself as much as I deserve. I fell into the "take it for granted" trap that we so often do.
That first picture, where he's looking at me and reaching for my hand -- that's our relationship in a snapshot -- he looks out for me, leans on me, wants to share goals and accomplishments with me. I'm looking down, hoping I don't trip and fall on my face. He's all about us and I'm all about me.
Boom!
It hit me like an ice cube down your shirt on the hottest day of the year -- shocking, exhilarating, freezing -- I'm not the person I want to be.
Watch me change that.
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I totally understand. I find to that I'm sometimes swamped in regret and at times have missed the finer moments. My younger brothers recent passing has me thinking the same things you're thinking. I want to change too. I can be better and I need to recognize my wife more for the 34 years she's put up with me...
ReplyDeleteI get you, Pete. Give her kudos when she least expects it. A hug for no reason. A flower just because. I promise that the small gestures mean a lot. (I say that as both recipient and receiver. Your entire day/week/life can shift because of small gestures. Do not underestimate them.)
ReplyDeleteYou're already better than you were yesterday because you did something different today. Hang in there, my friend, it's an amazing, awesome (as in inspiring real awe) and life-changing ride. Not easy but definitely do-able. Thanks for reading and being present. Let's love ourselves and our partners more today than yesterday. (That last sentence seems a little pop-songish to me, but hey, that's how I roll.)